I'm just not cut out to be 18+

I've deleted my archives, I just couldn't take the thought of blocking all those kids who NOW you just deem jonas brothers fans (we really need to come up with a good nickname for them... one that brings to mind mass movements and profound ability to infiltrate nearly every link on the first page of a biblical name's google search. I'm thinking jonasians or jonasrews...

Anyway, so I updated my FAQ. Since no one is going to read THAT, I figured I better add it to one of the many other places at my disposal that has no readers (Just kidding my one reader, you are my favorite). ;)

So here it is:

ZOMG where did your anti-camw0@* broadcasts go?!

-I missed my little jonas brothers fans, and since the technology of deeming specific archives or broadcasts 18+ hasn't hit the JTV world yet, I had to can the archives. I'm sorry RealJTVGossip, that broken highlight on your blog is 100,000,000% my fault. In honor of those who I deleted my archives for, here are some fun facts about the meaning of "Jonas" pre-1987 (or pre-August 2006, whichever date is more important to you) Jonas, according to the irrefutable reference document wikipedia.org, states the name in Hebrew means peaceful, however the Biblical version could be interpreted as "destroyer". I was intrigued, so I dug deeper. According to revered onomasticians at babynames.com, the name also appeared in the song "My Name is Jonas" from the 1994 Weezer album titled...um, Weezer. My pompus excitement at being able to google sh*t has failed to impress you. Dang. Anywho, I LUV U BRI AND PRETTY!

Bad acting, dreams, and cookies

After the little performance of last night, you may suspect this blog will deal more with that which irritates me most about Justin.tv

However, TheRealJTVgossip blog is for that. I have more important things to dwell on, like finally starting to feel better. Feeling better is, of course, relative. I still don't feel as well as I did before all this happened, and my pain is a little more acute then when I was on 12 mg of morphine, but thats no surprise. I'm still on 900 mg of neurontin 3x a day, but I have reduced my vicodin use to about half. I still can't walk, I can still barely stand, but I've been able to sleep at night, which leads me to my real subject tonight.

I'm going to discuss hobby #532 of mine: dream interpretation. I know that sounds far too close to nonsensical absurdity for the Norah you know and love (or hate), but actually I find it quite interesting from a biological and psychological perspective. There are some spooky things that have happened in the dreams of people I know personally... like how Jacob dreamt we were on a bus in San Francisco 2 months before we even discussed visiting here (let alone moving here). Mostly though, I find looking up aspects of dreams soothing; it helps me figure out how to work through things that are bothering me.

Last night, I had a dream that probably didn't require all the effort of looking stuff up.

I dreamt Jacob and I were in prison. I was the only one who could escape, my clothes were covered in dirt and t I couldn't seem to run fast enough to get away. Every time I tried to hop a fence, I would fall off and get shooed away by the owner of the house. I couldn't find a place to hide, and I eventually got caught. Just like the Great Escape fan I am, I kept trying to escape over and over again, so I could save myself and break Jacob out. I found myself at one point lost in the prison, my only refuge a crevice in the wall of the yellow prison pantry. All the food in the room was in cans, I was starving, but I couldn't eat. I was visible to kitchen workers but they did not notice me.

All of a sudden, the dream changed to being trapped in a house with an insane guy who thought I was his wife. Again, the theme was escape. I kept trying to leave him and get back to Jacob, but this time I was in a wheelchair. I finally managed to get out to go visit a friend, but instead she and I waited outside the house for him to leave, at which point we packed all of my stuff and stole his car (a white Mercedes smallish SUV thing, which I dont believe exists (if I'm wrong about that, and it does exist, I will be sufficiently freaked out)). This was about where I re-realized this was a dream; I would never steal a Mercedes SUV. Pft.

In both cases, I never got away... or at least I stopped forming the dream at that point. The pantry looked like my apartment, and not being able to open cans probably equated to not being able to reach various food items in the upper cabinets (really irritating).

Here were some interesting, noteworthy results of my dream dictionary search:

escape: To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. (like, say, a wheelchair?)

dirt: To dream that your clothes are soiled with dirt signifies of a contagious disease that you have been stricken with. (The only contagious aspect of my disease is adding a burden to Jacobs life, but it was close!)

falling off a fence: To dream that you fall from a fence denotes that you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are incapable of dealing with. (not really bogged down with projects lately, but this is probably referring to medical nonsense that needs to be dealt with more aggressively.)

white: (as in the Mercedes I thieved in dream #2) Purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a new outlook on life. (This might not mean anything, since white paint and a mercedes SUV go together like cookies and... me!)

One medication dropped, another one takes it's place...

After a mild anxiety attack late last night, my doctor decided that I should stop taking my once a night, 25mg of Nortriptyline. I have now been switched to methadone for pain management.

This situation is extremely stressful for my family and for Jacob. I am trying to keep positive so I can get better not only for myself, but for them as well.

Warning: Cloverfield spoiler!
(Don't make fun of me, I'm just being polite!)

Tonight we went to the movies for the first time since I fell ill. Apparently "Cloverfield" was a bad choice, since I got motion sickness within the first 15 minutes. I rolled myself into the bathroom somehow and allowed myself to experience the savory flavor of the Chinese food I had for dinner once more. My timing couldn't be better... I missed the first shot of the monster and didn't see the Brooklyn Bridge catastrophe.

Either way, it was fun to be out side with Jacob. It was great to get back into acting like my old self again. It was also nice to hit the handicap accessible automatic door button in the mall without feeling like a lazy jerk.

I guess I should try to sleep now. This is where the TLC and Discovery channels prove cable tvs worth.

:)

Wow, many drugs an entertaining Norah makes!

I'm going to try to broadcast regularly (try being a key word, haha). Yesterday I was feeling quite well, and I had over 4,000 people view my page. It was a strange feeling to be told I was inspiring to others; I have always felt like a person who takes more than they give back, which is why I attempted the charity challenger channel. I always wanted to make a difference in the world, but I suppose now the world is too big a task for me to handle. If I help just a few people to smile, and feel better about their lives, that is enough of a difference.

In other news, thank you to Justopia for the cookies! I hear they arrived safely to the JTV headquarters, and some were put aside for little ole me! As always, I'm excited at the prospect of having home baked cookies! I wish I was there, but its not easy to get around this hill infested city in a wheelchair, so I'll wait for the Jacob express to deliver them.

:)

So much better than broadcasting..

I've been brooding armed with Tori Amos songs and a journal. My pain medication is down to 6 pills (I'm supposed to take 8 a day), and I have been trying to refrain from using what is left. It is excruciatingly painful to move, and yet stupidly I hold out, anticipating it to get worse. I can't stand dealing with doctors, I hate being on drugs, so I'm refusing to call for a refill. Now I'm just laying here, listening to depressing music (yes, and writing a blog obviously!)

I'm sorry the tone of this isn't more pleasant. I've realized the pain medication was keeping my positivity afloat during the day. Every night I stay awake till the early morning, haunted by thoughts and fears formed by this illness and creepy darkness. Now apparently I'm mopey during the daytime as well.

I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't been responding to or friendly with. Hopefully I'll get some good news and come out of this funk.

-me